it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just googled if crying burns calories
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
