Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize