How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
