who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
