Sorry, I don't speak sober.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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