Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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