Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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