So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
