i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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