just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
high people should be assigned attendants
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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