My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
