this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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