thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Randomize
