i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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