It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
