He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
