If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
