John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
