I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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