I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
