can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
