I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
