You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
