I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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