if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
