someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
