I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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