I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
