she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
