batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
