I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
