you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
