Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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