I wish my penis had an off switch
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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