I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
