a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
