The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
