we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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