Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
