Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize