As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
