Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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