I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
