A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
