What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
