I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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