i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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