It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
