We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
