There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
