Yo dont text me then not text me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
