last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I need water and some morals
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