Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
