i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
