Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
