I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Sorry my hands just texted you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize