were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize