I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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